So You Can Understand--What Happened to Holly?

I know I have hurt, confused, frustrated, scared, and even angered many of my loved ones. I haven't meant to. I haven't wanted to. I'm hoping by starting this blog I can help you all understand why I say what I say, and why I do what I do.

As most of you know, on September 5, 2020, I suffered the devastating loss of my best friend, my confidant, my source of strength and security, my most loyal fan and cheerleader, my dear husband, Vaughn. What could I do? NOTHING could solve my problem! Vaughn was gone! I was heartbroken! Scared! Shocked! His sickness and death happened so quickly. On the 4th of July he was his normal self. Two months later he was gone, and I was a widow! My hopes and dreams for life were dashed, and life, as we, Vaughn and I, had planned it together, was ruined!

My choices were I could either sink into despair, or I could turn to the Lord and put everything that I had always said I believed about Jesus Christ to the test.

“And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7: 11-12).

I chose to turn to the Lord like I never had before, but I still struggled a lot. I was scared! I was lonely! I missed Vaughn so much! I really didn’t know how I was going to survive without him.

Then one early evening, while I was lying on my bed, sobbing, longing for Vaughn, and holding my pillow, the voice of the spirit came into my mind and heart and told me that if I would start longing for Jesus Christ with the same intensity that I was longing for Vaughn, I would find comfort and joy.  It was such a powerful moment and idea, that I immediately directed the ache and longing in my heart to Jesus Christ, and suddenly I felt a powerful peace, comfort, and joy come over me, and I wondered why I had never thought to seek for Jesus Christ so intently before. Please know, I have always sought Jesus, just not as intently as I started to do at this moment--with all my very broken heart!  

My life as a widow, my life as Holly, changed from that point on. I had experienced Jesus’ love, peace, and joy and the only thing that mattered to me from that point on and even now is continuing to seek Jesus Christ with all my heart, might, mind, and strength and helping others to really decide to seek Jesus Christ, too! 

 I started praying and talking to Father AND Jesus, like never before (I figured Jesus was my mediator and my advocat with the Father, so I included Him in my conversations with Father), and I immersed myself in the Book of Mormon. I have always prayed and read the scriptures a lot, but my life was in deep turmoil and the scriptures, especially the Book of Mormon, and prayer literally became my lifeline--my connection to Jesus, my connection to His comfort, peace, and guidance. I read and prayed every chance I could.

Twenty chapters into the Book of Mormon, I hit the Isaiah wall, but I decided, rather than just gritting my teeth and powering through these difficult chapters like I usually did without really understanding them, I was going to dive in and really try to discover why Nephi had felt the need to inscribe so many chapters of Isaiah onto the gold plates. Nephi really seemed to think Isaiah was important. I was determined to find out why!

“...that I might more fully persuade them to believe in the Lord their Redeemer I did read unto them that which was written by the prophet Isaiah; for I did liken all scriptures unto us, that it might be for our profit and learning.

Wherefore I spake unto them, saying: Hear ye the words of the prophet, ye who are a remnant of the house of Israel, a branch who have been broken off; hear ye the words of the prophet, which were written unto all the house of Israel, and liken them unto yourselves, that ye may have hope as well as your brethren from whom ye have been broken off; for after this manner has the prophet written” (1 Nephi 19: 23-24).

I took Nephi’s advice and likened the words of Isaiah to myself, and I soon realized that Isaiah was calling ME (and my people, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) --not somebody else--to repentance! 

The very first Isaiah chapter Nephi chose to include in his record is Isaiah Chapter 48. I wondered, why did Nephi choose this chapter first. Look what it says: 

Hearken and hear this, O house of Jacob, who are called by the name of Israel [As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we consider ourselves to be part of Jacob and Israel], and are come forth out of the waters of Judah or out of the waters of baptism, [The underlined words are not in the Bible. Why were they added? We have been baptized, and we believe our baptism is the only valid baptism, this scripture really seems to be addressing us!], who swear by the name of the Lord [We make covenants in the name of the Lord], and make mention of the God of Israel [We talk about Jesus Christ.], yet they swear not in truth nor in righteousness. [What does this mean? We swear not in truth nor in righteousness?  I started to ask myself, what am I (what are we as members of the church) doing that is not true or righteous? Why did Nephi write this to us?]

Nevertheless, they call themselves of the holy city [I’ve heard Salt Lake City referred to as the holy city before, more when I was younger, now I don’t think Salt Lake City is a righteous city!], but they do not stay themselves upon the God of Israel, who is the Lord of Hosts; yea, the Lord of Hosts is his name [I can’t argue. I had already noticed that we, members of the Church, have so many idols and distractions, too often we neglect God, and we forget to stay focused on Him!] “(1 Nephi 20:1-2 or Isaiah 48).

Isaiah goes on in the same chapter to call us “obstinate” and “a transgressor from the womb” and he tells us to “Go ye forth of Babylon, flee ye from the Chaldeans.” [I looked up Chaldeans in Merriam Webster: an ancient Semitic people that became dominant in Babylonia, a person versed in the occult arts.]

I continued reading and Isaiah continued to point out our wickedness: 

“O house of Jacob, come ye and let us walk in the light of the Lord; yea, come, for ye have all gone astray, every one to his wicked ways.

Their land also is full of silver and gold, neither is there any end of their treasures; their land is also full of horses, neither is there any end of their chariots.

Their land is also full of idols; they worship the work of their own hands, that which their own fingers have made.

O ye wicked ones, enter into the rock, and hide thee in the dust, for the fear of the Lord and the glory of his majesty shall smite thee.

And it shall come to pass that the lofty looks of man shall be humbled, and the haughtiness of men shall be bowed down, and the Lord alone shall be exalted in that day. [In that day? The day the Lord comes. It’s a future event!]

For the day of the Lord of Hosts soon cometh upon all nations, [I was tempted at first to think that maybe Isaiah wasn’t talking about us! Maybe he was talking about ancient Jacob, but then I realized that the day of the Lord of Hosts hasn’t happened yet! The day of the Lord of Hosts is referring to the Lord’s Second Coming! Nope! Isaiah is talking about us!]  yea, upon every one; yea, upon the proud and lofty, and upon every one who is lifted up, and he shall be brought low. (2 Nephi 12:5, 7-8, 10-12)

So then I started wondering? Why aren’t we really being warned that we are wicked, idolatrous, and too proud? Why aren’t our leaders addressing our wickedness? 

1 For behold, the Lord, the Lord of Hosts, doth take away from Jerusalem, and from Judah, the stay and the staff, the whole staff of bread, and the whole stay of water— [Was Isaiah talking about a spiritual famine or a physical famine? I think both! We are already in the midst of a spiritual famine, and there’s rumors of a physical famine coming.]

8 For Jerusalem is ruined, and Judah is fallen, because their tongues and their doings have been against the Lord, to provoke the eyes of his glory

9 The show of their countenance doth witness against them, and doth declare their sin to be even as Sodom, and they cannot hide it. Wo unto their souls, for they have rewarded evil unto themselves! (2 Nephi 13: 1, 8-9).

Again I asked myself? Are we really so wicked—even as Sodom? Before likening Isaiah to myself, I hadn’t realized just how wicked we actually are, but now I recognize that we are wicked. We call ourselves the Lord’s chosen people, but we blend in with the world all too well. We have adopted the ways of the world. We do very little to stand up for truth and righteousness.  Think about the abortions that are happening in our country, even in the state of Utah, that we ignore! Are we fighting this wickedness? Not really! Many of our members are for abortion! Recently, Sharon Eubanks speaking as a member of the Relief Society General Presidency and the director of Latter-day Saint Charities excused the fact that aborted fetal tissue is used to make vaccines by saying: “I've been very moved by His Holiness the Pope who has over lept some of the difficult barriers about the way that stem cells might be used in a vaccine.”  Which makes me ask, why do we as members of the Church even care what the Pope says about vaccines? Do we consider the Pope to be led by revelation? Why do we as the Lord’s people overlook this great evil?   

I wonder how the Lord feels about our tolerance and even promotion of sexual perversions. Was it the Lord’s idea to have a special time for all of the LGBTQ advocates to sit in the Celestial Room of the Washington D.C. Temple during the open house in April of 2022?  Did any repent because of the experience? Or is the camel’s nose a little bit further inside the tent? Is the Lord pleased that church leaders invited a gay men’s choir to sing at the D.C. Temple’s Visitor’s Center?
Please note! I am not saying that a gay person should not sing on temple grounds. We are all sinners! I am saying that the sin of gayness should not be celebrated or promoted. Are they going to invite a thief’s choir soon? What about an adulterous housewife’s choir? Anyone who suggests in online LDS social media forums that the temple grounds shouldn’t be a place to promote sin will get verbally stoned. I know from experience.

It is becoming more and more true that people, even memebers of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, only want to believe in a God of unconditional love. Most people want to reject all who teach as Amulek did in Alma 11: 37 that in order for us to be saved and enter into the kingdom of God, we actually have to repent, which means to deny ourselves of all ungodliness and stop sinning! 

We can see that Isaiah doesn’t only teach the sugar-coated, unconditional love Jesus:

Wo unto the wicked, for they shall perish; for the reward of their hands shall be upon them! (2 Nephi 13:11)

And they shall go into the holes of the rocks, and into the caves of the earth, for the fear of the Lord shall come upon them and the glory of his majesty shall smite them, when he riseth to shake terribly the earth (2 Nephi 12:19).

As I continued to study Isaiah, first those chapters found in the Book of Mormon and later the rest of the book, I found myself wondering, “Why aren’t we being encouraged more to read this book? It’s amazing! So applicable for our day!”

A careful study of Isaiah opened my eyes to so many shocking things I had never before considered! 

Hearken, O ye house of Israel, all ye that are broken off and are driven out because of the wickedness of the pastors of my people; (1 Nephi 21: 1)

Wait! What the pastors are wicked? But how is this possible? Why? 

And my people, children are their oppressors, and women rule over them. O my people, they who lead thee cause thee to err and destroy the way of thy paths.  (2 Nephi 13:12)

At first, I wondered if Isaiah was only talking about our government leaders? I didn’t want to face the fact that he might be talking about our religious leaders, too! 

To be honest when I first started understanding Isaiah’s message, I felt scared and confused! I was reading anti material! Yet I knew that Jesus Christ himself wanted me to read Isaiah, so I kept reading.  

“And now, behold, I say unto you, that ye ought to search these things. Yea, a commandment I give unto you that ye search these things diligently; for great are the words of Isaiah.

For surely he spake as touching all things concerning my people which are of the house of Israel; therefore it must needs be that he must speak also to the Gentiles. [That’s us—members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints! How do I know that we are the Gentiles? See the end of the first paragraph of the Book of Mormon title page: “Sealed by the hand of Moroni, and hid up unto the Lord, to come forth in due time by way of the Gentile--” Joseph Smith was “the Gentile.” See also 1 Nephi 10:14, 1 Nephi 13:35, 1 Nephi 13:40, 1 Nephi 15:13. These Book of Mormon verses make it very clear that the Latter-day Saints are in most instances the Gentiles spoken of in the Book of Mormon.] 

And all things that he spake have been and shall be, even according to the words which he spake” (3 Nephi 23: 1-3). 

Please note that Jesus said that not only were Isaiah’s words of things which have been, but also of things which shall be. 

With both Nephi and Jesus making a big deal about Isaiah, we would be very foolish to ignore Isaiah!  

And so I ask of you to please understand that it is because of these things that I have learned in the Book of Mormon and the Bible that I have found myself in need of warning you.

After all, are we not as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints a group of people that believes in warning our neighbors?

            "and it becometh every man who hath been warned to warn his neighbor" (D&C 88:81).

And do we not send our sons and daughters out to the world to warn our neighbors that they belong to the wrong church and they need to repent and join "the only true Church"?

So, why do you you find it so offensive if I feel compelled by the Holy Spirit to warn you that according to the Book of Mormon and the Bible all is not well in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

Can you not understand the predicament I am in?

If I warn you, then you get offended and block me, and shun me, and get frustrated and angry with me.

If I don't warn you, then I offend God, and one day you will be frustrated with me that I did not warn you!

I do not want to offend God!

I do not want to be responsible for not warning you!

So please know, that it is out of love for God and love for you that I warn you!